Saturday, November 6, 2010

Correspondence

Dear Readers,

you will be pleased to know that I have tracked down an address for the elusive but attractive Mr. Simmerin, and given him a list of friendly questions that we would all like to know the answers to. Here they are...

Q. 1 Mr. Simmerin, I'm not at all nosy myself, you understand, but my readers would like to know if you are a participant in the married state? They are clamoring to know, Mr. Simmerin, as they have not, thus far, observed a Woman. Is it possible that you have her locked in the basement of your house, as her elevator does not go All the Way to the Top? This is often an unfortunate side-effect in well-bred families, particularly very wealthy ones who have married their cousins for thirty generations or more, if you know what I mean.

Q. 2 Mr. Simmerin, would you describe your Fortune as Magnificent, Medium, Modest or Minute in size? If it is unhappily Non-Existent, you may choose not to answer this question. I wouldn't ask, you understand, but my Readers have a right to know.

Q. 3 Do you live in a Castle, Palace, Manor House or Mansion? (Or Other?)

Q. 4 Are you the proud possessor of any pets, particularly small dogs, rabbits, guinea-pigs, sheep, cows, ostriches, that sort of thing? The reason I ask is that dear Spot is somewhat partial to all of the above. He's fine round cats, though. I think he regards them as oddly-colored cubs. I do not blame him, he is, after all, a Sudanese hunting cheetah, and simply acting on instinct...
It is one of life's small inconveniences, having to clean up the remains of one's friend's (or, I should say, ex-friends) beloved Fido or Rover, or Fluffy, in the shape of a large hairball which Spot has hoicked up all over Sir Cecil's Grandfather's Persian rug. Still, nature is wonderful. By the time Spot has digested them, there's not much left, just bones and hair or feathers...

Q. 5 My minder, tedious woman, just said I should ask you why you got involved in Steampunk, so I've tacked that one on the end, just to keep her happy...Why did you get involved in Steampunk? How much money do you expect to make out of it? And lastly, do you think of this movement as having a long-term goal of World Domination?

I await your reply with interest, Mr. Simmerin,

Yours in anticipation,

Miss Lucy Lovehandles, P.A.

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